Greetings from Futaba Aoi

[steenia]

I look forward to getting to know the people here, and it is a pleasure to associate with you.
I have just prepared our third newsfeed (these take me a while to put together, I tend to be too busy to work on them as much as I should) and I would like to share it with our new friends:

Futaba Aoi NewsFeed Volume III
All the news that's fit to slant.

Hyrulianized Killer Squirrels: Harmless pest, or real threat?

Picture this: You are taking a peaceful nature walk through the local flora when you hear a bone-chilling high pitched squeek. Out of the trees jump hundreds of squirrels. They attack you rellentlesly and steal your peanuts! Couldn't happen? That's what this woman thought:

67 year old Anita Blakelock of Willowsburgh, Steenia.

"I was just walking along, had my peanuts to feed to the animals, and was looking for a comfortable place to sit. There is this old bench in the park, me and Ralph, he was my husband, died two years ago, we used to sit there together. I go there because I feel like he meets me there. Well, I was walking through the park, and then there was this sound. Like: Eeeeeeeggghhh! I looked up and, and..." At this point she had to stop. We gave her time and she was able to go on. "And those nasty little squirrels attacked me. About twenty of them knocked me to the ground, while the rest grabbed my sack of peanuts and ran with them."

To look at Miss Blakelock now, you will see the innumerable marks from bites and claws.

"I have always been kind to them, why did they do this?"

She asked us.
To find out we did some research.
It turns out that these particular squirrels are a mix of the more aggressive Hyrulian Squirrel, known for its increased size and fearlessness and the smaller Steenian Flying Squirrel. How did they get here though? How did they make their way to the Steenian forests? We asked Blake Sintare, of the Animal Migration Studies Institute of Dellsy College, in New Steenia.

"Well, from what we have been able to determine, they ride in on the backs of tourists. Kind of 'hitching a ride.' They go unnoticed by burrowing under the coats of these tourists, where it is warm."

Are these Hyrulian squirrels a meanxe then in Hyrule?
For this answer we went to Hyrules Delegate, Ness Snorlaxia but she refused to comment on camera and refused subsequent interview attempts. After this we came across Hyrule local, Chuck Norris Expert, Jerry Christ. He had the following enlightening information:

The origin of this fearsome Hyrulian squirrel is simple, but little-known. I have it on good authority that one day, Chuck Norris was enforcing Law and Order by just walking down Hyrule's streets. All of a sudden, a gentle nut-bearing squirrel lost his balance and fell from his tree onto Chuck's head. Instinctively, Chuck Norris delivered a wicked roundhouse kick to the squirrel's face, killing it instantly. Chuck, being a good and just man, revived the squirrel via his secret and powerful beard massage.

Ever since then, the once timid and meek squirrel became a monstrosity of power and righteousness. It also had been imbued with Chuck Norris's virility, and thusly propagated it's Chuck-Traits to the rest of Hyrule's squirrel population.

And now you know the rest of the story...

So is the Hyrule menace here to stay? Must we learn to live in fear of the dreaded squirrel?
It would seem the Steenian government, following a long tradition of doing nothing against nature is refusing to step in. Their only effort to contain this rodential menace is to post the following signs in known nesting areas:

We will keep you updated as the story progresses.

FA Website Up Again
The Futaba Aoi website is once again operational. For those who have not had the chance to experience it, now may be the time. It is located at:

FA Web



This FA NewsFeed was sponsored by The Last Chance Saloon and Mortuary.
"Free of zombie infestations for almost a month now!"

Would you like an ad on the FA NewsFeed? Contact Steenia for details